When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
