i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
