I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
