Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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