Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
