Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
