FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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