is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
