Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
