Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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