I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
