My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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