I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
