The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
