Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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