I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
