____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
