Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
