I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
