there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
