She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
