I wish my penis had an off switch
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
