Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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