Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
