i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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