This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
