Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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