you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
