If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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