Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
