i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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