med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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