I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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