It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
