Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
