I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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