Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
