I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
