I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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