i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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