Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Screwed.edu
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
