She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
