My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
