I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
