I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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