i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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