The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
