Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
