Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
