I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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