last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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