Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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