He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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