you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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