shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
