just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
