My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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