make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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