so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
