She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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