Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
